6 signs you have a toxic daughter-in-law, according to psychology

Family relationships can be tricky, and when it comes to in-laws, things can get even more complicated.

Most of us hope for a positive bond with our son or daughter-in-law—a relationship built on mutual respect and shared love for the family.

But what happens when that relationship feels strained, tense, or even toxic?

If you’ve been questioning the dynamic with your daughter-in-law, it’s not always easy to pinpoint what’s wrong.

Toxic behavior often isn’t obvious; it shows up in subtle actions, words, or patterns that can leave you feeling hurt or excluded.

So, how do you know if you’re dealing with a toxic situation or just navigating the normal ups and downs of family life?

Here are six signs, backed by psychology, that your daughter-in-law might be exhibiting toxic behaviors—and how to recognize them before they take a toll on your family dynamic.

1) She consistently undermines your relationship with your child

Family ties are complex webs of affection, compromise, and sometimes, competition.

But when it comes to your daughter-in-law, it feels like she’s playing a different game altogether.

You notice a pattern where she seems to constantly belittle your role in your child’s life. It’s subtle, almost imperceptible – a comment here, an insinuation there.

It feels as though she’s always trying to wedge herself between you and your child.

This isn’t about occasional disagreements or misunderstandings; we all have those. But if it feels like she is consistently undermining your relationship with your child, psychology suggests that this could be a sign of toxicity.

In contrast, a healthy family dynamic respects the importance of all relationships within it.

2) She refuses to acknowledge your feelings

Communication is key in any relationship. It’s a two-way street, right? But with her, it feels like a one-way lane with no room for your perspective.

Let me share something with you. There was this one time when I tried to express my concerns about how she was treating my son. I’d noticed some concerning behavior and thought it was important to discuss.

But instead of listening, she dismissed my feelings outright, even accused me of overreacting.

It wasn’t just that one time either. There were countless instances when I felt unheard and disregarded. My feelings were simply not valid in her eyes.

According to psychology, this kind of invalidation is a sign of a toxic person. A healthy relationship should foster open and respectful communication where both parties’ feelings are acknowledged and validated.

3) She plays the victim card repeatedly

Does your daughter-in-law make it seem like she’s always the victim, no matter what the situation is?

Let’s be clear: everyone has their bad days; everyone faces struggles. But if she’s constantly portraying herself as the victim, even in situations where she’s clearly at fault, it raises a red flag.

It’s like she has a knack for directing all blame towards others and shirking her own responsibilities.

Psychology warns us about such behavior as it can be a manipulation tactic used by toxic individuals to gain sympathy or escape accountability.

If your daughter-in-law consistently plays the victim card, it might be an indication of her toxic nature.

4) She displays a chronic lack of empathy

Empathy is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. It’s the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, a trait that fosters connection and compassion.

However, it turns out that a lack of empathy is a common trait among individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, one of the most toxic personality types identified by psychology.

In my interactions with my daughter-in-law, I noticed that she had a hard time expressing genuine concern for others.

It was like she was incapable of stepping into someone else’s shoes to understand their feelings or perspective. The world seemed to revolve around her and her needs.

This behavior often left me and other family members feeling frustrated or dismissed, as though our emotions weren’t valid or important.

Over time, it became clear that her focus was almost entirely on herself and her needs, leaving little room for meaningful connection or mutual understanding.

A lack of empathy can be one of the most challenging traits to navigate, especially in a family dynamic where compassion should be at the forefront.

5) She’s perpetually dissatisfied and critical

It’s one thing to strive for improvement, but it’s another thing entirely to never be satisfied with anything and to constantly criticize others.

I noticed this perpetual dissatisfaction in my daughter-in-law. No matter what my son or I did, it was never good enough.

Her words were always laced with criticism, whether it was about how we raised the kids, how we spent our holidays, or even how we cooked dinner.

This constant negativity was draining. It created a hostile environment where nothing ever seemed good enough. It’s like she thrived on finding faults and pointing them out.

Living in the shadow of someone else’s perpetual dissatisfaction can take a toll on family relationships. Instead of fostering a sense of connection, it creates walls of resentment and frustration.

And while you can’t change someone’s critical nature, recognizing it for what it is can help you decide how to set boundaries and protect your peace.

6) She tries to control everything

Control can be a delicate balancing act in relationships. While some level of control is necessary to keep things organized, it becomes a serious issue when one person feels the need to control everything.

This kind of behavior can create a stifling environment where others feel powerless and unheard.

A controlling individual often dictates how events should unfold, how people should act, or even how opinions should be shared.

Instead of working collaboratively, they take over, leaving little room for others to express themselves or contribute meaningfully.

This dynamic can make family interactions feel tense and one-sided, as if everyone is expected to fall in line with their way of doing things.

What makes this behavior particularly toxic is how it erodes trust and connection. When someone tries to control every aspect of family dynamics, it sends the message that others’ input or autonomy doesn’t matter.

Over time, this can lead to frustration, resentment, and a breakdown in communication.

While it’s impossible to change someone’s need for control, setting firm boundaries can help restore balance.

By calmly asserting your own preferences and limits, you create space for healthier interactions where everyone’s voice is valued.

Embracing change

Recognizing these signs in your daughter-in-law might be hard to swallow. But if you’re here, it means you’re willing to face the uncomfortable truth.

The journey ahead may be challenging, but it’s essential to remember that you can’t change her behavior. You can only control your responses and actions.

Begin by setting boundaries and expressing your feelings honestly. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but with time, it will become easier. Your relationship with her may change, but that could be for the better.

Remember, you have a right to respect and peace in your family life. It’s never too late to seek professional help from a psychologist or family counselor for guidance and support during this tough transition.