I used to do whatever it took to avoid uncomfortable confrontations, and as a result, I would let people walk all over me.
Eventually, I realized I had to change my ways. My lack of boundaries were eroding my self-esteem and hindering my happiness, all because I was scared to upset others.
Through my journey of personal development, I discovered the power of emotional intelligence. This skillset has taught me how to set firm personal boundaries without creating unnecessary tension or conflict.
If you also struggle with confrontation and assertiveness, developing your emotional intelligence could be a game-changer.
One effective way to do this is by using specific phrases that communicate your needs with confidence. The following eight phrases can transform the way you approach boundary-setting and save you a lot of stress!
1) “I understand where you’re coming from…”
This is a go-to phrase for emotionally intelligent people. It’s a way of acknowledging the other person’s perspective, thereby showing empathy without agreeing or giving in.
For example, if a coworker is pushing you to take on more tasks when you’re already feeling overwhelmed. You might say, “I understand where you’re coming from and I appreciate your confidence in me. However, I currently have a full load and I want to make sure I give all my tasks the attention they deserve.”
See what happened there?
You’ve validated their request which makes them feel heard and valued. But, you also clearly communicated your boundary without being confrontational.
This phrase is about striking a balance. It’s about expressing your point of view while still respecting the other person’s perspective.
This approach can help you maintain positive relationships while still asserting your boundaries effectively.
2) “What are your thoughts on this?”
At first glance, this may seem like an odd phrase for setting boundaries. But, it’s actually a powerful tool when used correctly.
When you’re faced with a situation where someone is infringing on your boundaries, instead of directly stating what you need, you can engage them in a conversation about it.
For instance, if a friend often calls you late at night when you’re trying to rest, instead of directly telling them not to call at that time, you could say, “What are your thoughts on setting a time for our phone chats? I’ve noticed that sometimes our calls run quite late.”
This approach turns the conversation into a dialogue rather than a one-sided demand. It makes the other person feel involved in the decision-making process.
Involving them in this way can often lead to a more positive response and mutual respect for boundaries.
3) “I need…”
There’s something incredibly powerful about stating your needs plainly and directly. This phrase is as simple as it gets, yet it’s a game-changer in boundary setting.
When you express your needs directly, you create a sense of clarity for both yourself and the other person. This reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings and unnecessary disagreements.
For instance, if a loved one often interrupts you while you’re speaking, instead of getting frustrated, you can say, “I need to be able to finish my sentences when I’m speaking. It helps me feel heard and respected.”
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This kind of language is assertive without being confrontational. It’s straightforward, respectful, and focuses on your needs rather than accusing the other person.
Interestingly, research shows that using “I” statements rather than “you” statements leads to more effective communication and less defensiveness from the other person. This is because “you” statements can come off as accusatory or blaming, while “I” statements focus on your feelings and needs.
4) “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”
This phrase embodies the essence of emotional intelligence. It signals to the other person that you’re not only concerned about your own needs, but theirs as well.
Say, for instance, you and your partner are having a disagreement about how to spend your weekends. You prefer quiet evenings at home, while they enjoy social gatherings.
Instead of insisting on your way or the highway, you could say, “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”
By using this phrase, you’re inviting collaboration and open dialogue.
You’re expressing your willingness to compromise and find a middle ground, which can often lead to more effective resolution and mutual respect.
5) “Let’s revisit this another time.”
We’ve all been there. A conversation is getting heated, no resolution is in sight, and you can feel your stress levels rising. This is where this phrase comes in handy.
One effective conflict resolution technique is to hit the pause button. This allows both parties to cool down, reflect, and approach the discussion with a clearer mind later.
For example, if a family gathering is turning into a debate about your life choices, you could say: “Let’s revisit this another time. I think we could all benefit from a break.”
This phrase acknowledges the importance of the issue at hand but also recognizes the need for a more conducive environment for the conversation. It allows you to assert your boundary while maintaining respect for the other person’s viewpoint.
6) “This is important to me.”
Sometimes, the best way to assert a boundary is by expressing the significance of it to you.
I remember a time when I was working on a project with a team and one of the members kept dismissing my ideas.
It was frustrating and I felt unheard. So, I decided to take a direct approach.
Instead of getting upset or confrontational, I said, “This project is important to me and I believe my ideas could be beneficial. I would appreciate it if we could discuss them further.”
By stating its importance to me, I was able to assert my boundary and make sure my voice was heard. It also encouraged a more respectful and open discussion about our project.
This phrase can be very effective at making others aware of your boundaries and the weight they carry for you.
7) “That doesn’t work for me.”
There are times when we have to be firm and unyielding in our boundaries, even if it might seem harsh.
If someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries despite having discussed it with them, it’s important to stand your ground.
For instance, if a friend constantly borrows money and never pays it back, you can say, “I value our friendship, but lending money to you doesn’t work for me anymore.”
It might be difficult to say and they might not take it well, but remember, your needs and feelings are just as important as theirs. It’s not about being mean or unkind, but about respecting yourself and your boundaries.
At the end of the day, nobody else can respect your boundaries if you don’t respect them first.
8) “No.”
This might seem overly simple, but it’s arguably the most powerful word when it comes to setting boundaries.
“No” is a complete sentence. It doesn’t require justification or explanation.
If something doesn’t sit right with you or infringes upon your boundaries, you have the right to say no.
Whether it’s a work commitment you cannot take on, or a social event you’d rather not attend, you are allowed to decline.
Saying no doesn’t make you selfish or rude. It’s a way of honoring yourself and your needs. Knowing when and how to say no is perhaps the most important skill in maintaining healthy boundaries.
Conclusion
Emotional intelligence doesn’t just help you set and maintain boundaries, it’s the key to fostering respectful and harmonious relationships
By using the eight phrases detailed in this article, you can assert your needs confidently while minimizing conflict and maintaining positive interactions.
The more you practice these phrases, the more you build your emotional intelligence and gain respect from those around you.