Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Will my children still cherish me when I’m old and gray?”
I know it’s not always easy to picture the future, especially when our lives already feel so packed with responsibilities.
Still, there’s something profoundly comforting about feeling loved and supported by our children, long after they’ve grown up and started families of their own (or decided to live life on their own terms).
But here’s the deal: That kind of deep, enduring love doesn’t just happen.
It’s often nurtured over time, shaped by how we treat our kids, and yes—by which behaviors we choose to leave behind.
Below are seven habits I’ve seen strain parent-child bonds in my years as a relationship counselor.
Let’s explore them together, so you can decide if it’s time to say goodbye to any of these patterns.
1. Constantly criticizing or belittling
Kids of all ages—toddlers, teens, or grown adults—can quickly sense when they’re being picked apart.
Occasional feedback is natural. After all, as parents, we often share our experiences in hopes of guiding our children.
But when feedback becomes a steady stream of criticism, it leads to tension and resentment.
I once had a client who told me she never felt “good enough” for her parents, even though she had a stable career and a happy home life.
She pointed out that her parents never acknowledged her achievements; they just zeroed in on her mistakes. Over time, she called them less and kept her distance emotionally.
That’s the kind of disconnect no parent wants.
If you catch yourself saying things like, “Why can’t you get this right?” or “You always mess this up,” consider scaling back on the criticisms.
Switch to encouraging words like, “I see you’re trying hard,” or “I’m proud of the effort you put in.”
Positive reinforcement can open the door to genuine closeness.
2. Using guilt or emotional blackmail
Have you ever laid a guilt trip on your child?
Something like, “You never come visit me anymore—don’t you love your mother?” or “I did everything for you, and this is how you repay me?”
We’ve all been there at some point, especially when emotions are running high.
Unfortunately, guilt tactics can drive a wedge between you and your kids. In my practice, I’ve seen how guilt-based communication leaves children feeling manipulated rather than loved.
That, in turn, can push them to avoid phone calls or family gatherings. Or they might comply in the short term, but it also fosters resentment and a feeling of obligation, rather than genuine warmth.
You can usually tell guilt is creeping in if you feel the urge to say words like “after all I’ve done for you…” or “you should be thankful…”
Try to state your feelings without blame. For example, you can say, “I miss seeing you more often. Is there a way we can plan something soon?”
This phrasing creates a space where your child can respond from a place of understanding and care, instead of shame or forced obligation.
3. Invading their privacy or ignoring boundaries
It’s natural to want to know what’s going on in our children’s lives.
But there’s a fine line between being involved and prying into every detail.
Peeking into diaries, snooping on social media accounts, or showing up unannounced can signal a lack of respect for boundaries.
Boundaries don’t mean you’re shutting out your child or they’re shutting you out. They’re simply an agreement on how each person wants to be treated and respected.
If you sense your child is pulling away, consider whether you’re pushing too hard or intruding on their space—physical or emotional.
4. Expecting them to fulfill your dreams instead of chasing their own
Do you secretly want your child to live out the ambitions you never got to pursue?
It’s understandable to hope they pick a certain career or lifestyle—especially one you believe would lead to success or stability.
But if your child senses you’re measuring their worth by how closely they follow your script, they may feel pressured instead of supported.
Truth is, your child’s life is theirs to shape.
If you push them onto a path they don’t truly want, they might drift away to preserve their own sense of freedom and identity.
Offer guidance, sure. But keep the door open for your child to find their own path—be it a different career, living situation, or set of values.
By celebrating their independence, you help them feel safe bringing their authentic selves to you, free from fear of judgment.
5. Playing the martyr or never admitting your own faults
When I was younger, I recall how my mother would sometimes put on a “martyr” hat—shouldering every burden yet complaining about it constantly.
As an adult, I get it: parenting is exhausting.
Still, if you routinely present yourself as a long-suffering parent who did everything right while everyone else did everything wrong, your children might not feel the connection you’d hope for.
The pros over at Impact Parents back this up, saying that acknowledging our own mistakes can break down barriers because it humanizes us in our children’s eyes.
Not only that, but our attitude towards our own mistakes is going to directly reflect our kids’ ability to learn from their own mistakes.
It shows your children you value honesty and growth over always needing to be “right.”
6. Neglecting your own self-care and well-being
It’s easy to pour all your energy into your kids, especially if you’re worried about losing their love or attention.
But ironically, if you neglect yourself—physically, mentally, and emotionally—it can strain your bond in the long run.
Why?
Because kids often feel responsible if a parent appears constantly stressed, unwell, or lonely.
I’ve worked with families where the child felt guilty for pursuing their own life because their parent seemed so dependent on their visits or phone calls.
That sense of guilt can turn love into a heavy obligation.
No one wants to see someone they care about running on empty.
So make time for activities that recharge you—whether it’s a yoga class, a reading club, or simply a daily walk.
When you model healthy self-care, you let your children know that it’s okay for them to take care of themselves as well.
7. Failing to be emotionally present or dismissing their feelings
Finally, I’ve saved a big one until last, friends.
Being “there” for your child isn’t just about physical proximity. It’s about being truly present and open to what they have to say.
How often do you zone out when they’re talking, respond with half-hearted “mhms,” or brush off their concerns as trivial?
Even as adults, children yearn to be heard and validated by their parents.
Emotional availability goes a long way toward fostering a sense of security and closeness.
If you find yourself checking your phone mid-conversation or rolling your eyes at their frustrations, it might be time for a change.
Make an intentional effort to put away distractions, look them in the eye, and ask follow-up questions.
Little shifts like that can create a huge sense of belonging for your child, no matter how old they are.
Final thoughts
Wanting to feel cherished by our children as we age is a natural and beautiful desire.
But the path to that loving bond often starts with reflecting on our own actions.
By letting go of behaviors like the ones I’ve discussed, we set the stage for an authentic, resilient connection that stands the test of time.
Making even a few small changes can make a big difference in how your children relate to you—and how they choose to show up for you in the years to come.
They’ll sense you respect them and truly value their thoughts and feelings.
That kind of mutual understanding is what every parent (myself included) hopes to build with the ones we love most.
Signing off.
Feeling stuck in self-doubt?
Stop trying to fix yourself and start embracing who you are. Join the free 7-day self-discovery challenge and learn how to transform negative emotions into personal growth.
