Women with exceptional emotional intelligence usually had these 9 specific experiences growing up, says a psychologist

Have you ever wondered what makes someone emotionally intelligent?

Is it something they’re born with, or does it grow with them?

The more I’ve observed—and yes, sometimes overanalyzed—this quality in others, the more I’ve realized how much our upbringing shapes it.

When I meet women who are especially good at managing emotions—their own and everyone else’s—it’s like peeling back the layers of a story.

Patterns emerge. Not cookie-cutter, “this is how everyone should grow up” patterns, but experiences that gently nudge someone toward understanding themselves and others better.

So, I started thinking: what are the childhood moments that give rise to this emotional savvy? What are the shared threads? And wouldn’t it be interesting to unpack them—not to label, but to understand?

Let’s talk through nine formative experiences that often seem to shape emotionally intelligent women.

1) They were encouraged to express their feelings

Emotional intelligence doesn’t just appear out of thin air. It’s often nurtured from a young age.

In my experience as a psychologist, women with exceptional emotional intelligence usually grew up in environments where expressing feelings was encouraged.

They weren’t told to suppress their emotions or ‘keep a stiff upper lip’.

Instead, open discussions about feelings were a regular part of their upbringing. They learned how to identify, understand, and express their emotions in a healthy way from their earliest years.

This foundation of emotional literacy often leads to exceptional emotional intelligence later in life.

As these women grow and mature, they’re equipped with the tools to navigate their own emotions and empathize with others effectively.

It’s an invaluable skill that shapes not only personal relationships but also professional interactions.

2) They learned from their mistakes

If there’s one thing I’ve observed in my practice, it’s that women with high emotional intelligence usually had the freedom to make mistakes growing up.

I can recall a particular instance from my own childhood that greatly contributed to my emotional intelligence.

I must have been about 10 years old when I made a massive mistake during a school project. Instead of berating me, my parents took it as an opportunity for me to learn.

They sat down with me, explained where I went wrong, and helped me find a way to correct it.

This experience taught me how to handle failures and disappointments, which in turn helped me become more resilient.

This ability to learn from mistakes and move on without dwelling on failures is a core aspect of emotional intelligence. It helps you remember that errors are not permanent roadblocks but stepping stones on the path to growth and improvement.

3) They were given responsibilities

Women with high emotional intelligence often had responsibilities growing up. An important part of this was taking care of something or someone else.

Whether it was a pet, a younger sibling, or even a small patch of garden, these tasks helped them develop empathy and the ability to understand the needs and feelings of others.

Usually, children who grow up with pets turn out more empathetic and responsible. They learn to care for another creature, understand its needs and respond appropriately.

This forms the basis of emotional intelligence, which is all about empathizing and responding to the emotions of others.

Responsibility in childhood not only fosters empathy but also builds self-confidence and independence, key traits that emotionally intelligent women often possess.

4) They had emotionally intelligent role models

Emotional intelligence is often learned through observation and imitation.

Women with high emotional intelligence usually had emotionally intelligent role models in their lives growing up, whether it was a parent, a teacher, or another influential figure.

These role models demonstrated how to effectively manage emotions, navigate social complexities, and make considerate decisions.

They showed empathy, practiced active listening, and communicated their feelings in a positive and constructive manner.

Seeing these behaviors modeled consistently helped these women understand the importance of emotional intelligence and adopt these skills into their own lives.

It’s a classic case of ‘leading by example’ – the actions of these role models spoke louder than any words could ever have.

5) They were exposed to diverse situations and people

Women with high emotional intelligence often had a broad range of experiences growing up.

They were exposed to different situations, cultures, and people.

This exposure helped them learn to understand and empathize with different perspectives, fostering their ability to relate to others.

It taught them that everyone’s emotions are valid, even if they differ from their own.

They learned to navigate these differing emotions and perspectives, a skill that significantly contributes to emotional intelligence.

The ability to understand and respect the emotions of others, even if they vastly differ from our own, is a hallmark of emotional intelligence.

In essence, diversity in experiences and interactions during childhood often lays the groundwork for exceptional emotional intelligence later in life.

6) They experienced genuine love and affection

At the heart of emotional intelligence is empathy and understanding, both of which are fostered by experiencing genuine love and affection.

Women with high emotional intelligence often recall their childhood as being filled with warmth, care, and affection.

According to research, babies with affectionate mothers grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults, so it’s not a surprise that they had a chance to develop a strong emotional intelligence.

This loving environment enabled them to understand what it feels like to be loved and cared for, and how to extend these feelings towards others.

Experiencing such deep emotions helps to create a strong emotional vocabulary. They learned to identify and express feelings of love, care, happiness, and even sadness.

This ability to understand and express deep emotions is a fundamental part of emotional intelligence.

7) They were taught the value of patience

Patience, as they say, is a virtue. But it’s also a significant component of emotional intelligence.

It allows us to manage our emotions, especially in situations where things don’t go as planned.

Growing up, I remember waiting for my father to return from his business trips. He would be gone for weeks, and as a child, the concept of time was a bit elusive to me.

The waiting was hard, and there were times when I’d feel frustrated and upset.

But my mother would always say, “Patience is a fruit that ripens with time.”

She taught me to find activities to fill my time and divert my mind from the waiting. This taught me patience and how to manage my emotions during challenging times.

Women with exceptional emotional intelligence often have similar experiences that taught them patience at a young age. The ability to wait gracefully and manage the accompanying emotions is an essential aspect of emotional intelligence.

8) They learned the importance of communication

Communication is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Women with high emotional intelligence often grew up learning the value of communicating their feelings and thoughts clearly.

Whether it was a family discussion at the dinner table, or one-on-one conversations about their day at school, these women were encouraged to express themselves openly.

This wasn’t limited to positive experiences; they were also encouraged to talk about their problems, fears, and disappointments.

This open line of communication helped them understand their own emotions better and also taught them how to listen and respond to the emotions of others.

The ability to effectively communicate, both in expressing one’s own feelings and in understanding others, is a vital part of emotional intelligence.

9) They were allowed to be themselves

Perhaps the most important shared experience of women with high emotional intelligence is that they were allowed to be themselves growing up.

They weren’t forced into a mold or expected to suppress their individuality.

Whether they were introverted or extroverted, loved sports or arts, were serious or lighthearted – they were accepted and loved for who they were.

This acceptance fostered a positive self-image and self-confidence, allowing them to understand and accept others in the same way.

Being allowed to be themselves, they learned to understand their own emotions, their strengths and weaknesses, which is the essence of emotional intelligence.

Final thoughts

Here’s the thing about emotional intelligence—it’s not a destination, like arriving at the perfect job or finding the right partner.

It’s more like a relationship you keep working on, learning from, and occasionally messing up along the way.

When I reflect on these shared experiences, I’m struck by how much they resonate with moments in my own life.

Whether it was learning to express myself or simply having someone there to say, “It’s okay, try again,” these formative lessons stick with you.

Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

And isn’t that what emotional intelligence is all about? Not fixing yourself, but accepting who you are—and extending that same grace to others.

So, here’s to seeing those shared experiences for what they are: not rules, but reminders of how we can grow. After all, emotional intelligence isn’t just something you have; it’s something you keep shaping, day by day, moment by moment.