10 ways to get your emotionally unavailable partner to start opening up

I’ve always thought that relationships are like opening a locked door.

Sometimes, you have the key, and everything flows effortlessly. Other times, you’re left jiggling the handle, wondering what’s keeping it shut.

Dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner feels a lot like that. I’ve been there—standing on the other side, waiting for them to crack open and let me in.

But here’s the thing: forcing someone to open up doesn’t work. You need to have patience, create the right space, and show them it’s safe to be vulnerable.

If you’re in that situation, there are ways to guide them gently, without slamming any doors shut.

1) Patience is key

When dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner, it’s often a test of patience.

Emotional unavailability doesn’t happen overnight. According to psychotherapists, it’s usually a result of past experiences, traumas, or deeply ingrained defense mechanisms.

So, expecting someone to shed these layers quickly is unrealistic. It’s like expecting a sunflower to bloom overnight.

The thing is, your partner needs time. They need to feel safe and secure with you before they can start opening up.

Think about it. We all have our own pace in life, and the same applies when it comes to emotional vulnerability.

Pushing too hard can often lead to resistance. However, showing patience can help them realize that there’s no rush, there’s no pressure – they can take their time.

And when they’re ready, they’re more likely to open up on their own accord.

But keep in mind, you need to be genuinely patient if you want to avoid coming off as manipulative.

2) Open communication

In my own relationships, I’ve found that open communication can act as a key to unlock emotional barriers.

I remember when my partner seemed distant, aloof even. I could sense there were things he wasn’t sharing, feelings he was keeping locked away.

One day, I decided to address the elephant in the room. I told him, “I can sense you’re holding back, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to share. But when you are, know that I’m here to listen, without judgment.”

Opening that channel of communication didn’t lead to an immediate outpouring of emotions. But it did make a difference. Over time, he started sharing more about his day, his thoughts, his fears.

Communication is the bedrock of any relationship. You need to be able to share your feelings and also being receptive to your partner’s.

So don’t shy away from discussing the tough stuff. It can be uncomfortable, but it can also lead to deeper emotional connections.

3) Practice empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s at the heart of what it means to be human.

In fact, neuroscientists have discovered “mirror neurons” in the brain that activate both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else performing the same action.

These neurons may help us understand and interpret the actions and emotions of others by simulating the experience in our own minds.

Applying empathy in your relationship can make your partner feel understood and less alone in their feelings.

You don’t need to try to fix their problems. Just simply being there, feeling with them and letting them know they’re not alone makes a big difference.

Empathy can be a powerful tool to help your emotionally unavailable partner lower their guard and start opening up.

4) Provide a safe space

Creating a safe and non-judgmental environment can go a long way in helping your partner open up.

Creating a space where emotions are welcomed, not shamed or dismissed, is always a good idea. You can validate your partner’s feelings, reassure them that it’s okay to feel and express emotions.

In this safe space, your partner can start to feel comfortable to let their guard down, express their thoughts and feelings, and know they will be heard and not judged.

It’s often the fear of judgement or rejection that keeps people emotionally walled off. By eliminating this fear, you can help your partner start opening up.

5) Be a good listener

Listening plays a crucial role in getting your emotionally unavailable partner to open up.

And when I say listen, I mean really listen. Not just hearing the words they’re saying, but understanding the emotions behind those words.

Give them your undivided attention, show them through your actions that what they’re saying matters to you.

Active listening involves showing empathy, asking open-ended questions, and refraining from interrupting or jumping to conclusions.

When your partner feels truly heard, they’re more likely to trust you with their feelings and open up more in the future.

6) Show unconditional love

Love, in its purest form, is unconditional. It means loving your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be.

When your partner is emotionally unavailable, it can be challenging. But remember, they’re likely going through a tough time too. Your love should not be contingent on them opening up or changing their ways.

Showing them that you’re there for them, no matter what, can have a deep impact. It can provide the reassurance they need to start breaking down their emotional walls.

After all, isn’t love about accepting someone, flaws and all? By showing your partner unconditional love, you’re letting them know that it’s okay to be vulnerable because you’ll love them regardless.

7) Seek professional help

There was a time when my partner and I hit a roadblock. I felt like I was pouring my heart out, only to be met with silence. I felt unheard, and it was painful.

That’s when we decided to see a counselor. It was one of the best decisions we made. The counselor helped us solve our communication issues and taught us techniques to better understand each other’s emotional needs.

If your partner is emotionally unavailable, seeking help from a mental health professional can be beneficial.

They can provide tools and strategies to help both you and your partner communicate better and understand each other’s emotional needs.

There’s no shame in seeking help. Sometimes, an outside perspective can make all the difference.

8) Spend time apart

While it might seem strange, spending time apart can actually help your emotionally unavailable partner open up.

By giving each other space, you’re allowing yourselves to miss each other. This can stir up emotions that your partner may not have known were there.

In fact, research shows that when people have less frequent contact, they often spend more time talking when they do connect, especially if they live far apart or share similar backgrounds.

This suggests that giving someone space can lead to more meaningful conversations later on.

In addition, spending time apart can also allow your partner to reflect on their feelings and emotions. It gives them the opportunity to realize the importance of sharing these with you.

At the end of the day, relationships are about balance. And sometimes, that means knowing when to step back and give your partner the room they need.

9) Lead by example

One of the best ways to encourage your partner to open up is to lead by example.

By sharing your feelings and emotions openly, you are showing them that it’s okay to be vulnerable. You’re creating an environment where openness and honesty are valued.

Actions often speak louder than words. So, instead of telling your partner to open up, show them what emotional openness looks like.

By creating a culture of transparency in your relationship, your partner may feel more comfortable to share their own feelings and emotions.

10) It’s not about you

When dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner, it’s important to remember that their inability to open up is not a reflection of you or your relationship.

Often, emotional unavailability stems from past experiences or deep-seated fears. It’s their personal battle, and while you can support them, the decision to open up ultimately lies with them.

This can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when you’re longing for emotional connection. But knowing this can help you approach the situation with compassion and patience, rather than frustration or self-doubt.

Final thoughts: Be patient and hold space

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that getting someone to open up doesn’t follow a perfect script, nor does it happen at the “right” moment. It’s a process, and sometimes it gets messy.

In those moments of frustration, remind yourself—it’s not personal. Emotional unavailability often runs deep, and your partner’s path to vulnerability unfolds on their own timeline.

The best thing you can do is be present, be patient, and show them that love doesn’t come with conditions.

Relationships aren’t defined by grand gestures alone. Sometimes, it’s quietly holding space for someone until they’re ready to step through the door you’ve left open.