8 subtle signs your relationship is in a rut (and what you can do about it)

Every relationship goes through ups and downs, but sometimes, without even realizing it, you can slip into a rut where everything feels… off.

The spark isn’t quite there, conversations feel repetitive, and you’re both going through the motions without really connecting.

It’s easy to brush off these feelings as just a phase, but if left unchecked, this “rut” can lead to deeper disconnection.

The good news?

Recognizing the subtle signs early can make all the difference.

Here are eight signs your relationship might be stuck in a rut—and what you can do to reignite the passion and closeness you once had.

1) You’re living parallel lives

Relationships are all about togetherness, right?

But sometimes, you might find yourself living a life that’s completely separate from your partner’s. And no, I’m not talking about having your own interests or doing things independently – that’s healthy.

I mean you’re living two parallel lives, with hardly any intersection. You might be in the same house but it feels like you’re in different worlds.

Your conversations revolve around who’s doing the dishes or picking up the kids, but nothing more.

This is one of those subtle signs that your relationship might be in a rut. It’s like you’re roommates, not romantic partners.

But don’t worry. It doesn’t have to stay this way.

Start by finding common ground again. Maybe it’s a shared hobby, or perhaps it’s just spending time together without the distractions of daily chores or screens.

And remember to communicate – I can’t stress this enough.

Open conversation can work wonders for your relationship. After all, your partner isn’t a mind reader – so talk about how you feel, and listen when they do the same.

2) Laughter has left the building

Remember those early days when you laughed together at the silliest things?

If those moments are becoming rarer, it’s another subtle sign your relationship might be in a rut.

Laughter, my friends, is one of the best indicators of a healthy relationship.

As someone who’s spent a considerable part of her life making people laugh, I can vouch for its power. There’s something about shared humor that strengthens the bond between two people.

If you’re finding fewer reasons to laugh together or your partner doesn’t find your jokes funny anymore, try to bring back the fun.

Watch a funny movie together, or better yet, reminisce about those hilarious moments you’ve shared.

Laughter can be a bridge back to that feeling of connection and intimacy.

3) You’re overly dependent on each other

Dependency is a tricky thing. A certain level of dependency is natural in a relationship, but when it becomes excessive, it can lead to an unhealthy dynamic.

Are you finding it hard to make decisions without your partner? Do you feel incomplete when they’re not around?

If yes, then you might be dealing with codependency.

In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve into this issue in detail. I’ve learned from personal experience and extensive research that overcoming codependency is crucial for the health of any relationship.

Identifying this issue is the first step. Once you do, it’s time to work on fostering individual growth and independence within your relationship.

A healthy relationship consists of two whole individuals who choose to share their lives, not two halves trying to make a whole. So, strive for interdependence, not codependency.

4) You never argue

Sounds counterintuitive, right? You’d think that not arguing is a sign of a healthy relationship.

But in reality, never having disagreements can be a subtle sign your relationship is in a rut.

Here’s the thing.

Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. They show that both partners feel safe enough to express differing opinions and work through conflicts together.

If you’re never arguing, it could mean that one or both of you are suppressing your feelings to avoid conflict. Or perhaps, you’ve become indifferent and don’t care enough to engage or disagree.

Constructive disagreements can lead to better understanding and growth in your relationship. As they say, sometimes, it’s the things we argue about that help us learn more about each other.

5) Your future plans don’t align

When I was starting out in my relationship, one thing that we had in common was our vision for the future. We knew where we wanted to go and how we would get there together.

But if you find that your future plans are diverging or you’re not included in your partner’s plans, it could be a sign that your relationship is in a rut.

Maybe you’re dreaming of a countryside home while your partner is thinking of a bustling city life. Or you dream of traveling the world, while they prefer nesting at home.

These differences aren’t deal-breakers. But they require open discussion and compromise to ensure both partners feel valued and heard.

It’s okay to have individual dreams, but in a relationship, it’s equally important to have shared dreams and goals. It’s about building a future together, after all.

6) You’re not excited to see each other

Let’s get real here. If the thought of your partner walking through the door doesn’t spark joy or anticipation, it might be a sign that your relationship is in a rut.

There was a time when their arrival would make your heart flutter, right?

A time when you couldn’t wait to share your day with them, hear about theirs, or just sit in comfortable silence.

But now, if you feel indifferent, or even dread their arrival, it’s time for some honest introspection.

Losing excitement doesn’t mean you don’t love them anymore. It could simply mean you’ve fallen into a routine that lacks spontaneity and freshness.

So, shake things up.

• Plan surprise dates
• Recreate your first date
• Switch off the TV and talk

It’s these small sparks that can reignite the excitement in your relationship.

7) You’re holding onto past resentments

We all have our fair share of disagreements and hurt in relationships. I remember a time when I let my grudges fester, and it created a wall between my partner and me.

If you’re holding onto past resentments, it can weigh down your relationship. It’s like carrying a heavy backpack everywhere you go—it’s tiring, right?

The truth is, resentment harms you more than anyone else.

So if you find yourself bringing up past issues during arguments or feeling bitter about old wounds, it’s time to address these feelings.

Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s vital for the health of your relationship and your personal peace of mind.

8) You’ve stopped being intimate

Here’s some raw honesty: intimacy in a relationship goes beyond just physical closeness. It’s about emotional connection, shared moments, and mutual understanding.

But if you find that your intimate moments – both physical and emotional – are dwindling, it could be a sign that your relationship is in a rut.

Perhaps the kisses have become perfunctory, or the cuddles are missing. Or maybe you’re not sharing your thoughts and feelings as freely as before.

Intimacy is the glue that binds a relationship together. So, if it’s missing, your relationship might feel like it’s coming apart at the seams.

Rebuilding intimacy takes time and patience.

Start with open communication about your needs and desires. Small steps of reconnection can bridge the distance and rekindle the intimacy in your relationship.

Final thoughts

Falling into a rut in your relationship doesn’t mean it’s doomed—it’s just a signal that something needs attention.

Every couple goes through phases where things feel stagnant, but the key is recognizing the signs and taking action. By being honest with yourself and your partner, making small, meaningful changes, and reigniting the connection you once had, you can turn things around.

If you suspect codependency in your relationship, my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship can provide further insights and guidance.