8 subtle signs your partner quietly likes to keeps score, says a relationship expert

Navigating the waters of a relationship can be tricky. It’s often a delicate balance between understanding, compromise, and a little bit of instinct.

One aspect that can create tension is when one partner starts to keep score. You know, counting favors or grievances as if they’re points in a game.

As Tina Fey, the heart and soul behind Love Connection blog and a relationship expert, I’ve seen this many times. And let me tell you, it’s not always as obvious as you might think.

In fact, there are eight subtle signs that your partner may be keeping score, quietly tallying things up in the background.

Let’s delve into these tell-tale signs and how to recognize them.

This way, you can spot the red flags early and address them before they become major issues in your relationship.

1) They keep a mental tally of favors

In relationships, little acts of kindness and generosity should be commonplace. They’re the lifeblood of a healthy partnership.

But here’s the thing. If you notice your partner mentioning how many times they’ve done something for you, especially in comparison to what you’ve done for them, it could be a sign they’re keeping score.

This could be anything from how many times they’ve cooked dinner this week to who paid for the last date night.

It’s normal to feel like things should be equitable in a relationship. But if your partner is constantly doing the math in their head, that’s not about fairness anymore. It’s about control and power.

Such behavior is subtle and can easily be mistaken as wanting to maintain a balance. But don’t be fooled, it’s one of the most common signs that your partner quietly likes to keep score.

2) They use past arguments as ammunition

You know, in my years as a relationship counselor, I’ve seen countless couples who fall into this trap. An argument occurs and instead of resolving it, they store it away for future use.

If your partner brings up past arguments during new disagreements, it could be a sign that they’re keeping score. You see, in their mind, these past arguments serve as ‘evidence’ of your shortcomings or mistakes.

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to slip into this destructive pattern.

So if your partner is constantly using past arguments as a weapon during conflicts, it’s time for a serious conversation.

That’s not healthy conflict resolution; that’s scorekeeping. And it’s a sign that they’re quietly keeping track of every perceived wrong in the relationship.

3) They hold grudges

As an experienced relationship expert, I’ve seen how holding onto grudges can poison a relationship. It’s a subtle way of keeping score that can often go unnoticed until it starts causing real damage.

If your partner is constantly bringing up past mistakes and seems unable to let go of them, they might be ticking off these grudges in their mental scoreboard.

Holding onto grudges weighs down a relationship. It fosters resentment and prevents both partners from moving forward.

In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I talk about the importance of forgiveness and letting go in order to build a healthier and happier relationship.

Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. But holding onto past wrongs doesn’t help anyone.

4) They remind you of your shortcomings

In my line of work, I’ve noticed that people often downplay their partner’s achievements while magnifying their faults when they’re keeping score.

If your partner often reminds you of your shortcomings, even in a seemingly joking manner, it could indicate that they have a mental tally going on.

They might use your past mistakes or weaknesses as an “I told you so” to subtly show they have the upper hand.

In this case, they aren’t trying to help you grow; rather, they’re seeking to make themselves feel better and gain an advantage.

No one is perfect and we all have areas we could improve upon.

But in a healthy relationship, your partner should lift you up, not bring you down. The constant reminder of your flaws is not constructive criticism; it’s a sign of scorekeeping.

5) They’re always the victim

This one can be painful to admit. If your partner always seems to be the victim in every situation or disagreement, it’s a raw sign that they could be keeping score.

Playing the perpetual victim is a way for them to ‘win’ in their mental tally. It’s a way of saying, “See how much I suffer? You owe me for this.”

This behavior is intended to guilt-trip you into feeling indebted to them, allowing them to gain the upper hand.

In a healthy relationship, both partners take responsibility for their actions and work together towards resolution.

There is no room for constant victimhood or for using guilt as a means of control. Recognize this sign for what it is – a subtle form of scorekeeping.

6) They’re passive-aggressive

In my years of relationship counseling, one of the most challenging behaviors I’ve seen is passive aggression. It can be a veiled way of keeping score.

If your partner often communicates their displeasure indirectly, through subtle digs or sarcastic remarks, they may be keeping a tally.

This passive aggression is their way of expressing that they feel wronged or slighted without having to openly confront the issue.

Don’t let these passive-aggressive barbs pull you into a game of scorekeeping. This behavior only fosters resentment and misunderstandings.

7) They make you feel indebted

If your partner consistently makes you feel like you owe them, it’s a harsh indicator that they’re keeping score.

They might remind you of the times they’ve helped you, or the sacrifices they’ve made for the relationship. They may portray these instances as debts you need to repay, subtly suggesting that you’re constantly falling behind in their mental tally.

This isn’t just about reciprocity. It’s an attempt to keep you in a perpetual state of indebtedness, to gain the upper hand and control in the relationship.

If you’re constantly made to feel like you owe something, it’s time to reassess and address this raw reality.

Conclusion

Navigating the intricacies of a relationship is never easy.

If you notice these signs, it may be time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your partner. Remember, love is not a game to be won or lost.

If you’re dealing with these issues, don’t despair. There are ways to address them and foster a healthier dynamic in your relationship.

In my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I provide practical advice and strategies to help you navigate these challenges.

Just remember, everyone deserves a relationship based on mutual respect and love, not scorekeeping.