8 subtle phrases that can ruin a friendship, says a psychologist

As someone who’s been in the heart of a strong friendship, you know things aren’t always smooth sailing.

Friendships, like any relationship, have their ups and downs that can leave you feeling puzzled or even hurt.

You might have noticed certain comments or phrases that seem to stir up tension or spark a disagreement. Maybe you’ve even felt a friendship slip away after a seemingly innocent conversation.

The truth is, some subtle phrases can have a big impact on a friendship.

This isn’t about pointing fingers or blaming. It’s about understanding the power of our words and learning how to navigate these delicate dynamics.

Now, let’s dive into these eight subtle phrases that have the potential to ruin a friendship, as identified by a psychologist.

1) “You always…”

Attributing an action or behavior as a consistent trait of someone can be harmful to a friendship, according to psychologists.

For example, saying something like, “You always overreact” or “You’re always late” can come off as an attack rather than a constructive criticism. It makes your friend feel like they are constantly in the wrong and can potentially belittle them.

While it’s important to address issues within a friendship, choosing your words carefully is crucial. It’s better to express your feelings regarding specific instances rather than labeling them with an ‘always’ or ‘never’.

For instance, saying something like, “I felt frustrated when you arrived late for our meet-up last time” is more specific and less accusatory. Remember, the goal is to resolve the issue, not to make your friend feel defensive.

This subtle shift in communication can help maintain the harmony and longevity of your friendship. After all, we all make mistakes and deserve the opportunity to learn and grow from them.

2) “It’s not a big deal”

Most people use this phrase with good intentions, aiming to diffuse a situation or offer reassurance. However, psychologists warn that it can unintentionally invalidate a friend’s feelings.

When a friend shares something that’s bothering them, responding with “it’s not a big deal” might imply that their feelings or concerns are unimportant or exaggerated. This can make them feel dismissed and misunderstood.

Instead of minimizing their feelings, try acknowledging them by saying something like, “I can see this is really bothering you.” This shows empathy and understanding, which can strengthen the bond in your friendship.

Remember, what may seem insignificant to you might be significant to them. Validating their feelings rather than dismissing them could make all the difference in maintaining a healthy friendship.

3) “If I were you…”

This phrase might seem like a helpful way to give advice, but it can come across as presumptuous.

When you start a sentence with “If I were you…”, it suggests that you know better than your friend or that your solutions are the only right ones. It fails to take into account that each person’s experiences and perspectives are unique.

Furthermore, research shows that individuals tend to resist advice that feels imposed or controlling. This resistance can lead to tension and conflict within the friendship.

A more effective way to offer advice might be by saying, “Have you considered…?” or “What do you think about…?” This creates a space for open dialogue and respects your friend’s autonomy in their decision-making process.

4) “At least you…”

This phrase is often used in an attempt to find a silver lining in a friend’s situation or to offer comfort. However, it can sometimes have the opposite effect.

When your friend is going through a tough time and you say something like, “At least you still have…”, it can feel like their feelings are being brushed aside. Instead of acknowledging their pain, it might seem like you’re trying to hurry them along to feel better.

In moments of distress, what your friend might need most is for you to simply be there with them in their pain. A response such as, “That sounds really hard, I’m here for you,” can provide the comfort and empathy they’re seeking.

This allows them to feel heard and supported, strengthening the bond between the two of you.

5) “You should have…”

Most of us have slipped into using this phrase at one point or another in our friendships. It often surfaces when we’re trying to offer advice or solutions.

However, this phrase can easily be perceived as judgmental or critical. It suggests that your friend made a mistake and you know better. It can make them feel like they’re under scrutiny, which is not a pleasant feeling.

Rather than dwelling on what they should have done, it might be more helpful to focus on what can be done now or in the future. Phrases like “Maybe next time you could try…” or “What do you think about doing this…” can offer advice without blaming or shaming.

We all experience hiccups and make missteps, it’s part of being human. Let’s be each other’s supportive allies rather than critics.

6) “I told you so”

This phrase is a classic one that has slipped out of many of our mouths at some point, often without ill-intent. However, it can easily create a divide in a friendship.

For instance, imagine your friend has just gone through a breakup that you had predicted. Saying “I told you so” at that moment doesn’t offer any comfort. Instead, it can make them feel like their pain is being trivialized or that they’re being judged for their choices.

In such situations, empathy and understanding go much further than being right. A comforting “I’m here for you” or “Let’s figure out what to do together” can provide the support your friend needs in tough times.

Friendship is about nurturing each other’s growth and well-being, not about scoring points on who’s right or wrong.

7) “That’s just who I am”

This phrase often comes up when we’re confronted with a critique or feedback from a friend. It’s tempting to use it as a defense mechanism to justify our actions or behaviors.

Saying “That’s just who I am” can shut down any possibility for growth or change. It signals that you’re not open to feedback, and it can make your friend feel unheard or dismissed.

It’s important to remember that we all have room for growth and improvement. When a friend points out something they’re not comfortable with, try to listen and understand their perspective.

A response like, “I didn’t realize this was affecting you, let’s talk about it,” can open up a productive conversation and bring about positive changes in the friendship.

After all, part of being a good friend means being willing to evolve and grow together.

8) “Forget about it”

This phrase may seem like a quick way to move past a disagreement or a hurtful incident. However, brushing issues under the rug doesn’t make them disappear.

When you say “Forget about it”, it can signal that you’re not willing to address the issue at hand. This can leave your friend feeling unheard and unresolved issues can pile up over time, leading to bigger conflicts.

The most important thing to remember in a friendship is communication. If something has upset you, it’s crucial to express your feelings honestly and kindly. Instead of asking your friend to forget about it, try saying, “Let’s discuss this so we can understand each other better.”

Good friendships are built on mutual respect, understanding, and open communication. Addressing issues head-on can lead to stronger bonds and healthier friendships.

Wrapping up

Navigating friendships is a journey filled with learning and growth—and it often comes down to the subtle nuances in our communication.

This article aimed to shine light on those subtle phrases that could potentially harm a friendship, but ultimately, it’s your actions and words that help shape the relationship.

Remember, time invested in nurturing your relationships is never time wasted.

Being a good friend means being mindful of our words and actions, and not letting small missteps get in the way of maintaining strong bonds.

Here’s to fostering deeper, healthier friendships that stand the test of time!