People who distance themselves from their parents as they get older usually had these 9 childhood experiences

Our parents are such a huge part of who we are—it’s almost impossible to separate their influence from our own identities.

But as we grow older, some of us find ourselves pulling away, creating distance that wasn’t there before.

Why does that happen?

For me, it all started with reflecting on my own childhood.

Certain moments, patterns, and experiences began to stand out, helping me see how they shaped my relationship with my parents as an adult.

It’s not about blame; it’s about understanding the past to make sense of the present.

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit, and I’ve spent years exploring mindfulness and personal growth.

In this article, I want to share nine common childhood experiences that often lead to this distancing.

1) Lack of emotional support

A key childhood experience that can lead to distancing from parents is a lack of emotional support.

Growing up, we all need someone to confide in, someone who understands us and validates our feelings.

When we don’t get this from our parents, it can create a deep-seated sense of loneliness and disconnection.

This lack of emotional support can manifest in various ways.

Perhaps our parents were physically present but emotionally distant, or maybe they were overly critical and dismissive of our feelings.

Over time, these experiences can create a rift.

As we grow older, we might find ourselves seeking emotional support elsewhere and distancing ourselves from our parents.

In the words of renowned psychologist Carl Rogers, “When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, ‘Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.'”

Unsurprisingly, when we don’t feel deeply heard by our parents, it can profoundly impact our relationship with them later in life.

2) Experiencing a controlling environment

Another common childhood experience that can lead to distancing from parents is growing up in a controlling environment.

I can speak from personal experience on this one.

As a child, my parents were incredibly strict.

There were rigid rules about everything – from when I could go out, to who I could hang out with, even down to what I could wear.

This might have been done with good intentions, but it created a stifling environment where I felt like my personal freedom and individuality were constantly being suppressed.

As I grew older and started to make decisions for myself, this constant control felt suffocating.

It led to me distancing myself from my parents in order to find my own path in life.

A study by the University of Virginia found that adolescents with overbearing parents often struggle with relationships and educational attainment in adulthood, highlighting the long-term impact of such controlling environments.

Famous psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.”

Growing up in a controlling environment often leaves us with no choice but to step forward into growth, away from our parents.

3) Absence of open communication

One more childhood experience that often leads to distancing from parents is the absence of open communication.

Many of us grow up in households where certain topics are considered taboo or where our thoughts and opinions are not valued.

This can make it difficult to establish a genuine connection with our parents, leading to a sense of alienation and emotional distance.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego,” I delve into the importance of open communication, not just in our relationships with others, but also with ourselves.

Understanding and expressing our feelings is a critical part of personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships.

Unfortunately, when parents don’t encourage this kind of open dialogue, it can cause their children to feel unheard and misunderstood.

Over time, this can lead to a widening gap in the parent-child relationship.

As psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott rightly said, “It is a joy to be hidden, but disaster not to be found.”

When our authentic selves are not seen or valued by our parents, we often feel compelled to distance ourselves as we grow older.

4) Unresolved childhood trauma

A significant factor that can drive a wedge between parents and their children is unresolved childhood trauma.

Psychological traumas experienced during childhood, such as abuse or neglect, have profound effects.

They can deeply impact a person’s mental and emotional health, shaping their beliefs and behaviors well into adulthood.

When these traumas involve parents, they can severely strain the parent-child relationship.

Without proper resolution, which often includes professional help like therapy, these wounds can fester over time.

The child, now grown up, might find it necessary to create distance from the parents in order to protect themselves and heal.

According to renowned psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, author of “The Body Keeps the Score,” “Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions.”

This reorganization can drastically alter how we relate to those around us, especially our parents if they were involved in the trauma.

5) Parents being overly dependent

Interestingly, another childhood experience that can lead to distancing from parents later in life is when the parents are overly dependent on their children.

It might seem counter-intuitive, but it’s more common than you might think.

Some parents rely heavily on their children for emotional support, companionship, or even to fulfill their unmet dreams and aspirations.

This can create an immense burden on the child, blurring the boundaries of parent-child roles.

As these children grow up, they may feel compelled to distance themselves from their parents as an act of self-preservation.

It’s a way to reclaim their own lives and identities, separate from their parents’ needs and expectations.

Esteemed psychologist Erik Erikson once said, “Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”

However, when this interdependence becomes skewed in a parent-child relationship, it can cause more harm than good.

A study published in Psychological Studies found that parental emotional support and family functioning significantly influence children’s quality of life, underscoring the importance of balanced parental involvement.

6) Inconsistent parenting

Inconsistent parenting is another childhood experience that can cause distancing later in life.

When parents are unpredictable in their behaviors and reactions, it creates an unstable environment for the child.

One day, the parent might be nurturing and attentive, while the next, they could be distant and dismissive.

This inconsistency can breed insecurity and confusion.

As these children grow up, they may find themselves distancing from their parents to seek stability and predictability in their relationships.

As renowned psychologist John Bowlby said, “What cannot be communicated to the [mother] cannot be communicated to the self.”

When parents are inconsistent, their children often struggle to understand and communicate their feelings, leading to a strained relationship in adulthood.

7) Lack of shared interests

Sometimes, the reason for distancing from parents can be as simple as a lack of shared interests.

Growing up, I was always more creative and artistically inclined, while my parents were more pragmatic and had little interest in the arts.

This difference in passions created a gap that, over time, became increasingly hard to bridge.

While this may seem trivial compared to some of the other experiences, it’s important not to underestimate its impact.

Shared interests often form the basis of our closest relationships.

Without them, it can be challenging to maintain a strong bond.

As Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung once said, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

When there’s little in common between parents and their children, the reaction can lead to a transformation that includes distancing.

A study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that parent-child attachment significantly influences adolescents’ gratitude levels, suggesting that shared interests and emotional connections play a crucial role in maintaining strong familial bonds.

8) High parental expectations

High parental expectations can be a double-edged sword.

While they can push children to strive for success, they can also create immense pressure and lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Children who constantly feel like they’re falling short of their parent’s expectations may grow up with low self-esteem and anxiety.

These negative feelings can persist into adulthood and lead to a strained relationship with their parents.

In an attempt to break free from these unrealistic expectations and regain their self-worth, people might distance themselves from their parents as they get older.

As the influential psychologist Carl Rogers eloquently put it, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

If parents’ high expectations prevent this self-acceptance, distancing can become a necessary step towards personal growth and self-discovery.

It’s a journey of self-discovery

Understanding human behavior and relationships is a complex process, deeply rooted in our past experiences.

The childhood experiences we’ve explored in this article often lead to people distancing themselves from their parents as they get older.

It’s important to remember that this is not necessarily a negative outcome.

In many cases, it can be a crucial step towards personal growth and self-discovery.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego,” I delve into the importance of understanding our past and how it shapes our present.

This understanding can shed light on our actions and relationships, helping us navigate life with greater clarity.

Whether you identify with one or several of these experiences, remember that each person’s journey is unique.

The relationship you have with your parents is just one part of your story.

It doesn’t define you, but it can help shape the person you become.

As we journey through life, it’s important to reflect on these experiences.

Not to hold onto them as anchors, but to use them as stepping stones to build stronger relationships and a deeper understanding of ourselves.

Just as famed psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.”

This exploration of our past and its impact on our relationships is part of that process—a step in the direction towards a better understanding of ourselves and others.